Does lasting romance and yourself appear to be dancing in separate rooms? You are not alone! Well I guess being alone is exactly the issue. You would be surprised to hear what might be keeping you from your heart’s desire And it is not what you think!
Have you ever thought about how you romantically connect, or behave in your relationships? Or have you ever wondered why you always keep choosing the wrong person, or why you keep getting caught in a relationship that never seems to work for you?
More than you know, your attachment style which you developed in your early childhood affects your formed relationships.
Even if you say you have moved on from the past, not being able to analyze and work on the root cause of your attachment style will just make you spiral all the way back to the square one. The reality is, how you build interpersonal relationships is vastly affected by your attachment style.
But what exactly is an attachment style?
The concept was introduced by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950’s. He points out that our bond with our parents during our formative years impacts the kind of relationships we will build in the future. His theory provides that if our bond with our parents as our primary caregiver is strong, then we would most likely develop a sense of security. We then feel secure that we have a safe sanctuary to return to. Because of that, we grow to be explorative, positive and confident adults.
On the contrary, if our bond with our parents is not strong, then we’d turn out to be anxious or avoidant people. It will affect our ability to work on our confidence and trust people.
Knowing this, it is essential to know about the attachment styles to know about how we can improve our relationships.
There are various attachment styles but the main categories identified to this date are the following:
- SECURE ATTACHMENT
This is the best attachment classification identified. This is the attachment style developed by individuals who were raised in a warm and loving household. If you grew up feeling secure and loved by your parents, you are most likely to develop a secure attachment style.
People with this attachment style grow up to be comfortable and confident in themselves. They know how to set boundaries and manage their emotions. They are also responsive to their partner’s needs and allow their partners to freely express themselves. Of course, their relationships are not perfect, but because of their resilience and ability to communicate effectively, they get through the relationship storms.
- ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT INSECURE ATTACHMENT
A child who’s raised in a punitive environment will most likely develop this attachment style. It is often found in a situation where the child does not feel secure with their parents, such as when the parents are abusive, irresponsible
As adults, Anxious-Avoidant people become emotionally distant and have very few close relationships. They become emotionally unavailable for their partners and they tend to avoid commitment. This does not mean that they don’t want or need intimacy because they do, only that they are unable to communicate their feelings effectively. Whenever they ones they love hurt them, or when they experience romantic turmoil, they have the tendency to shut their feelings down and become emotionally withdrawn.
- DISORGANIZED INSECURE ATTACHMENT
This is considered the severe form of insecure attachment. People who had an unhappy childhood because of the inconsistency of their parents’ behaviour tend to develop this attachment style. Almost all of us know someone who had a childhood memory of always desperately seeking their parents’ attention. This experience can lead them to exhibit a confused or disordered behaviour since they view their parents as both a source of distress and comfort.
In their adult life, they’re most likely have very low self-esteem, be caught up in dysfunctional relationships, or become the toxic partner themselves. They’ll constantly yearn for reassurance caused by unresolved trauma and thoughts. People with this attachment style are often found in a dilemma of wanting to build a stable and trusting relationship with their partner, and at the same time, finding it very difficult to trust their partners.
- ANXIOUS AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT
Those who were wary of their caregivers during childhood often display this attachment style. Growing up, they’ve always feared rejection and were always unsure whether or not they are loved, which leads them to always seek attention most of the time.
As adults, they tend to be controlling and needy which would cause their partners to feel suffocated or exhausted. These people also have difficulties in setting boundaries and are often hooked to the idea of falling in love with who they can save, or can save them. In relationship conflicts, they are most likely going to overanalyze things and blow things out of proportion. The unresolved issues from their past often get in the way of their present relationship.
Do these attachment styles ring a bell? Exploring your attachment style has been proven to be useful when identifying dating patterns and scrutinizing your behaviour in your relationships. One thing is for sure, ATTACHMENT STYLES CAN CHANGE.
Although Attachment styles influence our relationships, in no way does it define who we are as a person. Knowing what your attachment style is and the level of effort one must put to make things work, can be a total game changer and could open the opportunity to change your mindset and your life for the better. When the going gets tough, or when it becomes more challenging than you’ve imagined, you can always reach out for help.