They Have An Affair. What Should I Do?

Affair

It is never easy to find out that your partner has been having an affair. It is gut-wrenching and starts a whole unpleasant train of events in which you are the betrayed one left with having to suddenly make decisions that you never hoped to face. You have found that they have been having an affair. What now? Should you stay or should you leave after an affair? It is a very very big decision. It is not until you are in that situation that you realize the magnitude of that. Many factors weigh in to that decision. Nobody can make that decision for you. Nobody really knows or understands the complexities of your relationship with your partner. What is the best option for your family and yourself? Do you leave after finding out about the affair? Or stay and try to recover from the affair? It can be a very complicated decision to make, especially if there are children involved. It is a decision that only you can make for yourself.

In Australia, we have a higher tolerance for divorce/separation than working out difficulties in relationships. In essence, we shame people for staying in unhappy relationships. Given this cultural climate, it may be difficult to speak to family and friends about what is going on. We worry about what people will think about our decisions. Will I be seen as weak? As a fool? Is it my fault if I choose to stay and it happens again? We feel the pressure to leave.

Our loved ones may believe that staying is only going to cause more pain and that your partner does not deserve your loyalty. After all loyalty has not been their strong suit. We all come from our unique viewpoints about relationships. Try not to be too influenced by people outside of your relationship. It is a balance between who you tell to get support and who not to tell. This is only to caution you to be discreet about who you tell. 

WHAT CAN I DO IF I CHOOSE TO STAY AFTER THE AFFAIR?

Choosing to stay after the affair requires hard work for the couple. The betrayed partner can often become very resentful of the whole sordid affair. The person who had the affair must be patient, accountable and emotionally available. They will need to prove to their partner that they are responsible, competent, reliable and sincere and not just prove once, but over and over again (Hariss,2009 p204). It is going to be emotionally draining. If I could show people the devastation and the burden that their loved ones have to endure to recover from the affair, I doubt that anybody would pursue an affair. Relationships can repair but things will get tough before they get better.

HOW DO I DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO LEAVE OR STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP?  Separate blog 

If the affair has left you with the dilemma of staying or leaving, it might be helpful to consider that there are basically four approaches to any relationship that has become difficult and the going is tough(2009 pp204). 

Options 1: Leave. 

Would leaving overall improve your quality of life more than staying? Based on your life circumstances – your children or lack of them, family and friends, home location, income, age, health, religious beliefs etc etc(Harris 2009. P29).  Is your vitality and mental and physical health going to be better in the long run if you leave?

Option 2: Stay and make it better.

If you choose to stay in the relationship after the affair, this is where the hard work is, but it can be worth it. Of course the aftermath of the affair needs to be dealt with.  I look at that in further detail in my blog, Can you recover from an affair. But for this section, I am talking about if you stay and have followed the steps on how to recover from an affair. You will both need to take control of your own actions and walk the talk in terms of your values (2009 p29). You cannot control your partner’s actions or responses, we can only control ours.  If we are going to make it better, what actions can we take to do that. Be more affectionate, compassionate, or accepting.

Option 3: Stay and the relationship stays the same but you accept what can’t be changed.

You take every action to improve the relationship and there is nothing more you can do to turn the relationship around, but despite all of that, you still wish to remain with your partner. (Harris,2009 p30). If this is the option that you have chosen, then it is time to embrace acceptance. You will need to make room for the painful feelings that are bound to creep up and let them go.  When judgement, hostility, despair and self-defeating thoughts and behaviours show up or you catch yourself ruminating and worrying (2009 p30) you need to pull yourself back out of these thoughts and behaviours, reconnect with the present moment and get back on with your life. Choose to live your values, stay in the present moment, and live your life to the fullest regardless of the challenges that you are at hand(Harris 2009 p30).

Option 4: Stay, feel defeated and keep doing things that make everything worse.

People often stay in a problematic relationship and don’t actively try to change it or chose to accept what is.  Rather, they worry, suffer anxiety, complain to family and friends, start blaming themselves or their partners (Harris, 2009 p30) and get caught up in self defeating behaviours like withdrawing, growing cold, critical, or getting  angry and aggressive.  Or numb yourself  by drinking large amounts of alcohol, binging on TV, taking drugs, having affairs, shopping –  the list goes on.  But eventually these strategies will drain your vitality.  If you choose to live in Option 4, you are guaranteed to intensify the suffering in your life (2009 p30). 

What about the people for whom leaving is not an option? 

They would consider or could consider, that they have structured their whole lives around this person and can’t imagine life without them. They have been through many of life’s transitions together – raised families, built a business, lifestyles, looking after elderly parents, grieving the loss of their parents. There may be huge financial ties to this person. This person has been their favourite person, their go to person for many years. Is it really the best solution for everybody to leave their home and their history? If not, then the only healthy option is to stay and make it better as discussed in Option 2 above.   And that’s OK. Especially, if for the majority of their lives, their partner has been a great partner in every sense of the word. Don’t judge the whole relationship on the affair, that’s not fair (Hussey &Perel 2017).  I am not suggesting that we should just turn a blind eye to affairs or condone them, but perhaps we should try to understand them more.

Linda Thomson