To be kind to others and to ourselves

kind

In most cases, it’s easier to make friends with others than it is with ourselves. 

When we hear that our family member or a good friend is facing a tough challenge, we often come up and say the kindest words to offer comfort and support. 

We usually say, “Hey, it’s okay, don’t be so hard on yourself”, or “Don’t worry, let’s take it at your own pace, no pressure.”

We can say these things to the people we love and actually mean them because that’s a language of love and of kindness that we think the people important to us deserve. 

But how important are we to ourselves? Do we use kind language when we speak to ourselves?

Most people use harsh language when criticizing oneself. We say things like, “What’s wrong with me? You should have done better”, or “Why am I so stupid? Why do I never get anything right?” The sad reality is, we treat ourselves more harshly than we think.  

We have a misconception that once we treat ourselves kindly, we’d start slacking off and be laid back. 

We think of ways to boost our self-esteem and oftentimes feel the need to always compete against other people. So we do it the wrong way. We speak ill of ourselves when some things don’t go the way we planned. We beat ourselves up thinking that we’re good for nothing. We belittle ourselves thinking that this motivates us. We think that if we become our own critics, we’d perform better. 

What we fail to realize however, is that, when we do these, we become our own enemy. We exhibit toxic behaviour and instead of progressing, we keep going back to square one. Why? Because we are the ones pushing ourselves down, hindering our own growth.

But what can we do about this? Is there a way to get out of this cycle?

Yes, we can. In fact, it always starts when we begin to be aware of what we’re doing to ourselves, how we’re poorly treating ourselves. It is only when we realize that can we begin to address the problem and deal with it the right way. 

Then we can begin treating ourselves with compassion, embracing our faults and knowing that they’re all part of what makes us fully human. 

Instead of  saying “I’m never good enough”, or “I’m so stupid”, we can try using kinder language. We can say, “What can I do to approach this challenge more effectively?”, or “Would some time off help me think clearly?”. And if we’re doing well, we can also acknowledge our efforts by saying “I’ve done well. I should keep this up.”, or maybe we can just go ahead and give ourselves a treat.                 

When we do these little kind things to ourselves, we begin to understand ourselves more. We also become more considerate and sensitive to others’ needs and feelings. Once we’re in a state where we completely understand ourselves and are able to care for ourselves can we become better at caring for others as well.                                           

Linda Thomson