WHERE THE LIMITATIONS LIE
In my private practice, more and more people are presenting with severe anxiety brought about by divorce or separation and finding it difficult to move on from these experiences.
If you have a supportive, trusted network of family and friends, I recommend you try to open up to them. Their support is invaluable. But if you feel that they are not being as supportive as they could be, or you are not comfortable discussing it with them, counselling can be a game changer for you. It can definitely help you with the anxiety.
Below are some limitations on relying on family and friends.
- Close friends and family are often trying their best to be supportive but can’t sustain the level of support that the person may need on-going. The sheer emotional intensity, despair and sorrow people are trying to manage can put strain on their support networks.
- It can be very emotionally draining on your support network. It may remind some of them of their own divorce or separation grief.
- If family or friends have a fragile relationship/marriage themselves, it can put the spotlight on their own difficulties, resulting in them distancing themselves from you in a bid to try to preserve their own relationship. A bit like they don’t want their spouse getting any ideas of separating or partying with the newly single person. Obviously, this is very disappointing for the newly single person.
- Sometimes family or friends still have a friendship with the ex-partner.
- Family and friends can struggle to see why the divorce or separation has occurred, especially if no clear betrayal is evident. They may not support their loved one leaving the relationship so find it difficult to offer unbiased support.
- Not everybody has a loving, unbiased, support network who they can embrace for support during the divorce and separation.
- The person going through the divorce or separation might be seeking privacy while they make sense of their situation and are wary of it becoming public.
IDENTIFYING FRIENDS AND FOE
Lisa Messenger, an entrepreneur that I follow, wrote a book called “Break-ups & Breakthroughs” after going through her own separation from her potential life partner . She offers a great explanation of the different kinds of behaviours that friends can display when you are going through a break up. In this book, she discusses several different friend scenarios that can occur following a divorce/separation and the importance of rallying the right people around us.
Below is a description from her book about the right people to embrace as well as friends that become foes.
- Right people: The Rocks.
“Rock-solid, nothing will shake them.” These are the people that no matter what you go to them with, they will handle it with grace and great advice. They would not dodge your calls. They will always offer the right support and affirmations. Say things, like “you’ve got this” and “this won’t beat you” etc. These are the people that you call when you are feeling fragile, weak and questioning your own self-worth.
- Wrong people: The Bulldogs.
Although the Bulldogs are friends, watch out for them, as during a crisis, they can become a foe who loves all the drama. They are the ones who carry negative energy (unsolved drama in their own lives). They love the sordid details as they love a good gossip with you and everybody who will listen. They are the ones that can’t wait to call with updates about your ex and their new partner or conquest. Upon hearing this you feel physically unwell. But they are just trying to be helpful. Give yourself a break and have a break from them. Until you feel strong enough to call them on it. Or if you never feel strong enough, it might be time to let them go. Thanks Lisa
What I have found is that any challenge in our lives can bring out the best and worst in ourselves and the people surrounding us. Some relationships will be stronger because of the challenge. Others will fall away and that too, is okay.
